field exam
I took my first field exam today and it went dismally. Like, I packed up and left halfway through sort of dismally.
I wasn't even doing badly—I was going slower than I needed to (and by a lot), but I was producing solid work. I was doing it. I just...panicked. And I mean, I have a panic disorder; I'm on medication for it and everything. But I wanted to do well, and instead I didn't even finish, and the fact that I know why does very little to alleviate the humiliation of it.
It's not the academic consequences, because there are very few of those. I can take the exam again; I can actually take it again quite a few times. I'll probably give it another shot next quarter, so that's like three months down the line.
It's that I'm really disappointed in myself, and painfully embarrassed. I especially hate the thought that other people know that I blew it because I panicked. My grad program director could not have been kinder about it, but just knowing that she knows makes me want to sink into the fucking floor.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty crap at the moment. The struggle for the next few days is going to be (a) leaving my apartment and (b) getting to class (which, of course, requires that I leave my apartment). I tend towards agoraphobia because it's just so much easier to stay inside, where I don't have to interact with other people and where I can't humiliate myself; my apartment and especially my bed is particularly tempting when I'm feeling so embarrassed already.
So the goals for the rest of the week are:
- Attend Latin class tomorrow.
- Give quizzes to my classes and hold office hours, then attend Greek class Thursday.
- Go to the Halloween party I already RSVPed for on Friday.
- Leave the house in some way (TBD) on Saturday.
- Go to church on Sunday.
That has me out of the house in some way every day for the next five days, at which point my next school/work week starts.
God, this whole thing is a nightmare. It's not the end of the world, and I know that, but it sure does feel like it is.
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